What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

          Isn’t this one of the most ask question when you are little (I didn’t do the research I’m just guessing). When you are less than 5 you are most likely to answer princess for girls, and for boys’ knights or dragons (I’m not sure nor I care. I didn’t have brothers.)  From 5 up, when you are being ask again, you are probably to answer one of this; teacher, doctor, police, nurse, astronaut, dancer, singer, fire department guy, designer, model, painter, writer, or whatever. But the thing is that you were always ask, and the answers for some of us (obviously ruling out the ones that wanted to be the same thing all their lives) kept changing. It was logical, we were growing. We made our parents proud every time we answer with one of the big one’s layer, teacher, policeman, doctor. They were so proud. Look at my little girl(boy) he(she) says he(she) wants to be a doctor, isn’t he(she) the cutest? Yeap, that’s how it probably was, until you got to high school, when they ask you again and you were probably thinking it would be the last time. They would go up to you and ask WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? Now here, is when it really matters. Because now you are going to college and the answer you will give its going to defined you. You are going to carry the title on your shoulders and this decision will follow you for the rest of your life. Easy, right? For the people who always knew and never change, congratulations you are awesome, carry on. But for people like me who never knew and just wanted to do something colorful or creative but didn’t have the money, the awesome grades or maybe the skills to enter into one of the great schools, well, it sucks. And the question drowns you.

When I was in high school getting ready for college I wanted to go to an art institute. The problem was that I didn’t have a portfolio let alone the money to pay for the school (don’t nag me about scholarships, they are not for everyone and they don’t pay it all) and I would have to get out of Puerto Rico on my own to pursuit something I wasn’t even sure I was good at. So, I did the most logical (in my head) thing I could think of. I sent applications to all of them, and pick different random stuff. I wanted them to decide for me. Genius, right? I thought the first one that answers me would be the want meant for me. The mail came in and trtrtrtrtr (that’s my pore imitation of a drum roll..., whatever) it was an Acceptance letter from the movie Accepted. (sighs) It doesn’t get any better than that.  For any one of you who didn’t see the movie Accepted here’s the synopsis from IMDb:

          A high school slacker who's rejected by every school he applies to opts to create his own institution of higher learning, the South Harmon Institute of Technology, on a rundown piece of property near his hometown.

          I should had taken that as a sign. (sighs) I was so frustrated when I got this. I mean really? are you freaking kidding me, this didn’t answer my question of who to be. This just told me what I already knew, and that was that I had no idea what I was going to do whit the rest of my life. After that lovely letter (full intended sarcasm) I got my acceptance letter (sadly it wasn’t from Hogwarts) to a real university/ college, it was The University of Puerto Rico, the cheapest and hardest one ever…est. (lol) yayyy on the field… trtrtrrttrtr (another pore drum roll) wait for it, trtrtrtrtrtrtr (lol) accounting. Yeap, I got in to be an accounting. Yayyy (insert sarcasm here) Apparently they thought that someone who had never being good at math, was going to be a great accounting. (before you start yelling I know that there are many fields to accounting and is more than simple math, it’s about analyzing and blah, blah, blah…) The answer I was waiting for came, although this shows you how accurate getting in to college is(sarcasm). So I went, and tried to be an accounting. And I hated it. But most importantly I sucked. Couldn’t expect any more than that you see when I was taking my College Board or in your case the SAT’s I dowse of. The test made me sleepy. (That’s how awesome I am at taking test). But that’s another story.

          The thing is that college ate me alive. I really sucked at it, and I hated it so much. I was dropping out of classes, changing mayors, it was basically a disaster. Although not everything was lost. I actually took some classes that I enjoy. One of them was a psychology class. Did I wanted to be a Psychologist? No, but I enjoy the class. What I actually enjoy about it, were the books we read on it. And that also happen with a history class. Was I good at those classes? Sadly no. But I enjoyed them non the less. There was a Marketing class that I took twice that I really enjoyed but kept getting F’s in all my exams. Yes. That’s how it was. I kept dropping and changing until I got even more frustrated. So I tried a Saturday morning class in another place that didn’t have a grating system it was more like a workshop thing. It thought me how to cut hair. Which was great, given that I loved to do stuff whit my hands. This class relaxed me and kept me busy. When I was on that class room (that looked like a basement, which was probably it) I forgot about the world and its frustrations and just cut hair. Awesome right.

So, thanks to that I did what looked right. I tried to get in as a full student. This place was a Beauty Institute, were you could study and make a profession out of cutting hair. Be a professional hair dresser. Cool, right? The problem was that I would have to take actual exams and it cost a lot. (again, the scholarships are not for everyone. I applied to all of them and couldn’t get any, well just one but they didn’t pay for all of it, so stop nagging me about it.) I got in. it was easy, you only had to show up to get in (kind of like Accepted, just one click away lol). I dropped out of the University of Puerto Rico, to go to this institute, but then realize that I couldn’t afford it. So, I drag my sorry ass back to University of Puerto Rico, to keep studying something I hated. I think at this point I was in the department of Management, I’m not sure. Anyways after that I married some loser, dropped out of college again, lived a marriage life for about 2 years I think. Which I hated, because he was an immature “man” who just wanted to party and pretend to have a perfect life, with lots of money in his pocket (meaning that I had to pay for all the utilities) and a wife to bang whenever he wanted (which meant marital rape, something that almost no one talks about (but this is definitely a story for another time)). Then thanks to God, got out of that (well, he cheated and decided that didn’t want to be with me anymore because I didn’t party enough and stuff) with lovely divorce papers at the age of 25, yayyyy (full intended sarcasm) living with my parents in my old room, sleeping in a bed I had since I was born. Asking myself the same freaking question, what do I want to be when I grow up? Meaning now. At the age of 26. (sighs). And well still with no clear answer and lots of debts, thanks to my fail marriage. Living life trying to do and follow dreams long ago buried in my heart. Which are writing, painting, and well, being creative. Am I good at it? Probably not. But I love it.

          I have since decided to stop caring about what society thinks of me. Of who I should be, I’m not going to let the fact that I have no bachelorettes degree or haven’t accomplish something great defined who I am. I don’t care if I’m marriage material or not. I’m not looking for the “so call” ideal life. If people choose to think that I’m a screw-up, then find by me. I’m not going to care. At list not today. lol

          But let’s face it society will always try to dictate who you should be, or tell you who you are based on what you have accomplish. Let’s fight this.

What am I now that I’m a grownup? well, I am a writer and occasional painter, currently working as a personal assistant/ secretary/ or anything else they need me for and super active member of the church that I currently visit. Maybe people don’t know me by it, and that’s ok, but that’s what I am. What I choose to be. If I’m not good at it, who cares. But I have decided. That’s my final answer. (at list for now) lol

Illustrated Faith

Psalm 50:7-15 MSG

“Are you listening, dear people? I’m getting ready to speak; Israel, I’m about ready to bring you to trial. This is God, your God, speaking to you. I don’t find fault with your acts of worship, the frequent burnt sacrifices you offer. But why should I want your blue-ribbon bull, or more and more goats from your herds? Every creature in the forest is mine, the wild animals on all the mountains. I know every mountain bird by name; the scampering field mice are my friends. If I get hungry, do you think I’d tell you? All creation and its bounty are mine. Do you think I feast on venison? or drink draughts of goats’ blood? Spread for me a banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises, And call for help when you’re in trouble— I’ll help you, and you’ll honor me.”

Illustrated faith

Scrub away my guilt.

Psalm 51:1-19 MSG

Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record. Scrub away my guilt, soak out my sins in your laundry. I know how bad I’ve been; my sins are staring me down. You’re the One I’ve violated, and you’ve seen it all, seen the full extent of my evil. You have all the facts before you; whatever you decide about me is fair. I’ve been out of step with you for a long time, in the wrong since before I was born. What you’re after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life. Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean, scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing. Don’t look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don’t throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I’ll let loose with your praise. Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. Make Zion the place you delight in, repair Jerusalem’s broken-down walls. Then you’ll get real worship from us, acts of worship small and large, Including all the bulls they can heave onto your altar!

Illustrated Faith

Trust in Silence

Illustrated Faith

Illustrate Faith

Sing Yourselves into his presence

From Psalm 100 MSG

Ezekiel

Ezekiel 13:1-23 MSG

God ’s Message came to me: “Son of man, preach against the prophets of Israel who are making things up out of their own heads and calling it ‘prophesying.’ “Preach to them the real thing. Tell them, ‘Listen to God’s Message!’ God , the Master, pronounces doom on the empty-headed prophets who do their own thing and know nothing of what’s going on! Your prophets, Israel, are like jackals scavenging through the ruins. They haven’t lifted a finger to repair the defenses of the city and have risked nothing to help Israel stand on God ’s Day of Judgment. All they do is fantasize comforting illusions and preach lying sermons. They say ‘ God says . . .’ when God hasn’t so much as breathed in their direction. And yet they stand around thinking that something they said is going to happen. “Haven’t you fantasized sheer nonsense? Aren’t your sermons tissues of lies, saying ‘ God says . . .’ when I’ve done nothing of the kind? Therefore—and this is the Message of God , the Master, remember—I’m dead set against prophets who substitute illusions for visions and use sermons to tell lies. I’m going to ban them from the council of my people, remove them from membership in Israel, and outlaw them from the land of Israel. Then you’ll realize that I am God , the Master. “The fact is that they’ve lied to my people. They’ve said, ‘No problem; everything’s just fine,’ when things are not at all fine. When people build a wall, they’re right behind them slapping on whitewash. Tell those who are slapping on the whitewash, ‘When a torrent of rain comes and the hailstones crash down and the hurricane sweeps in and the wall collapses, what’s the good of the whitewash that you slapped on so liberally, making it look so good?’ “And that’s exactly what will happen. I, God , the Master, say so: ‘I’ll let the hurricane of my wrath loose, a torrent of my hailstone-anger. I’ll make that wall you’ve slapped with whitewash collapse. I’ll level it to the ground so that only the foundation stones will be left. And in the ruin you’ll all die. You’ll realize then that I am God . “‘I’ll dump my wrath on that wall, all of it, and on those who plastered it with whitewash. I will say to them, There is no wall, and those who did such a good job of whitewashing it wasted their time, those prophets of Israel who preached to Jerusalem and announced all their visions telling us things were just fine when they weren’t at all fine. Decree of God , the Master.’ “And the women prophets—son of man, take your stand against the women prophets who make up stuff out of their own minds. Oppose them. Say ‘Doom’ to the women who sew magic bracelets and head scarves to suit every taste, devices to trap souls. Say, ‘Will you kill the souls of my people, use living souls to make yourselves rich and popular? You have profaned me among my people just to get ahead yourselves, used me to make yourselves look good—killing souls who should never have died and coddling souls who shouldn’t live. You’ve lied to people who love listening to lies.’ “Therefore God says, ‘I am against all the devices and techniques you use to hunt down souls. I’ll rip them out of your hands. I’ll free the souls you’re trying to catch. I’ll rip your magic bracelets and scarves to shreds and deliver my people from your influence so they’ll no longer be victimized by you. That’s how you’ll come to realize that I am God . “‘Because you’ve confounded and confused good people, unsuspecting and innocent people, with your lies, and because you’ve made it easy for others to persist in evil so that it wouldn’t even dawn on them to turn to me so I could save them, as of now you’re finished. No more delusion-mongering from you, no more sermonic lies. I’m going to rescue my people from your clutches. And you’ll realize that I am God .’”

Bible Journal!

Psalm 54:1-7 MSG

          God, for your sake, help me! Use your influence to clear me. Listen, God—I’m desperate. Don’t be too busy to hear me. Outlaws are out to get me, hit men are trying to kill me. Nothing will stop them; God means nothing to them. Oh, look! God’s right here helping! God ’s on my side, Evil is looping back on my enemies. Don’t let up! Finish them off! I’m ready now to worship, so ready. I thank you, God —you’re so good. You got me out of every scrape, and I saw my enemies get it.

Bible Journal!

Bible Journal!

I love you Lord!

Bible Journal!

Psalm 40:16-17 MSG

But all who are hunting for you— oh, let them sing and be happy. Let those who know what you’re all about tell the world you’re great and not quitting. And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you’ve got what it takes— but God, don’t put it off.